The Basics: Classic Era (compliant to GoF), Angst/Romance, 100k
WARNING: PARTIAL REVIEW
As with many of my low-rated fic reviews, I did not finish this story before skimming to the end.
If anything in my review is inaccurate or misconceived as a result, please feel free to let me know and I will amend my review.
Professor Granger, the Charms professor, works together with Professor Snape to create a potion to destroy Voldemort.
This is the kind of fic that I would have immediately stopped reading, before I started this site. The grammar and punctuation are just awful. I wanted to get a dry erase marker and add commas to my computer screen. However, I felt obligated to continue reading in order to give it every chance for a good review. Maybe the author would pick up a beta and things would start to improve.
Unfortunately, further reading only unearthed more problems. Snape and Hermione are kissing in Chapter 4, about 5% of the way into the story. They are immediately intoxicated with one another, with no explanation or build-up. The melodrama is at RED ALERT levels – laughably bad. It’s hard to describe how annoying and distracting the grammar and melodrama problems are, so here is an excerpt -” Snape looked down at the woman lying motionless in his arms and let loose an anguished scream of despair that flew through the night like a bird with wings. ‘This is my fault,’ he told himself repeatedly, much like a broken muggle record.” ‘Anguished scream of despair’ is pretty over the top and cliche, but next, we have ‘…flew through the night like a bird with wings.’ Is there a bird without wings? The next sentence is salvageable, but it needs editing and tightening up; perhaps with ‘he repeated to himself’ and capitalizing ‘Muggle.’ That doesn’t address the incongruity of comparing Snape’s words to a Muggle record. How about using a Harry Potter reference, or something Snape-ish? Or, even better, just repeat the phrase a few times, SHOWING US the action, instead of TELLING US. Lastly, even without all of the other problems, putting two similes back to back makes the action difficult to follow. Birds, records, anguish…what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, someone died.
/end English graduate rant. Apologies. I’m sure other people will find the writing less offensive than I did, but for me it was too bad to continue reading. When I skipped to the end, I found that the writing does improve somewhat, but not enough. The above excerpt is taken from very late in the story.
The bottom line: Bad writing. There may be some good moments buried in there somewhere, but they are few and far between and certainly not worth slogging through all of the bad filler. Skip it.